oh. dear. god.

i haven't blogged for awhile. i meant to do the blog 365 - i really did. but then one missed blog turned into 3. by the time i got around to back blogging i forgot what i'd even done. i couldn't even come up with any bullshit. ah well - it's just blogging. it's sort of a strange thing when you think about it i guess.....


so, where shall i begin. i'm sure you're all just dying to hear about all the exciting going-ons in my life, aren't you? how about we start with today. it was great. and by great i mean boring, dull and thoroughly embarrassing....


today i went to work. i don't even want to complain about it anymore (but that won't stop me i'm sure...). i've said i like my co-workers (i feel the need to emphasize this...). i think it's me. i start to come up on that year mark and panic. well - not panic. but something - not sure what. i'm scared that one day i'll wake up years from now and realize that for the past however many years i've gotten up and done the same thing every day. sat in the same chair for 8 hours every day. accomplished nothing.


i came home from work yesterday and felt nothing. it wasn't depressing. it wasn't annoying. it was nothing. i felt void. i felt like nothing. luckily i came home feeling like this to see chris. i love him so much! together we make that nothing a something. it makes me feel whole. it makes me smile and giggle.


the one thing that is slightly depressing is not having a damned clue what i do want to do. i used to feel a passion for history. i wanted to preserve it. i wanted to share it with others. i lost that somewhere along the way. perhaps it's the perfectionist in me. i realized one day how so many people were so much more accomplished than i was. they knew more. they did more. they had more motivation. more charm. and rather and try harder i gave up. i don't know what i want to be anymore. i don't want to keep chipping away at my soul anymore through corporate america though. it's eating me. i just cannot stand the fact that i sit in a chair and do nothing for 8 hours a day. i could be making things at home. exercising. learning how to cook. doing something....else...


you want to know my secret wish? i wish that being a receptionist was considered a good job. i wish that i were married. i wish that i were a stay at home mother. i wish my biggest problem was deciding what to make for dinner. i wish i could wear those cute dresses and vacuum in heels. i probably just made a lot of woman roll over in the graves but who cares. that's my (no longer) secret wish. think what you may.


i'll leave you with that. for now i'm going to go empty the dishwasher. then i'm going to tell chris about my night (which is what i mean to post but got sidetracked). perhaps i'll post more tomorrow. perhaps not. i think i'll leave the blog 365 tag just the same. the picture and statement kinda fit me....a lot.

2007 - The Year I.....

...fell in love. truely. i feel like i've known him my entire life. i cannot imagine that life without him. i wish everyone the chance to experience this kind of love....

...realized i was growing up. it sounds to odd to say that when you're 27 - but it's true. i can't put my finger on it but the feeling is there.

...learned how to cope with my depression. well...i guess i've always been able to cope or else i wouldn't be here - but with each bout of it i feel like i gain a deeper understanding of myself. this understanding may not be apparent to those having to deal with the crying and the mood swings - but it's there.

...met some wonderful new friends and became closer existing ones. i've had two jobs this year and at both have met some incredible people at both. i've reconnected with friends that i've known for a long time but feel much closer to now.

...learned how to knit and crochet. i've become slightly obsessed with both. my life is filled with yarn and gagets to work that yarn that i never knew existed. i love it. i feel like i'm good at something for the first time in a long time. and while making a hat may not solve world hunger - i feel good when i see something that i've created with my own to hands. something that can be put to use.

...lost weight and gained it back. today i exercised and plan to do it everday. i want to become addicted to it. not only will i lose that weight again but it'll help with the depression.

...moved into a home. well - not a house - an apartment - but a place that feels like home. chris and i share this place. we'll share it for a few years more to come.

...heard my biological clock begin to tick. it's been there all along i guess but this year it made itself known - big time! my friend carrie found out she was pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful little girl. seeing her change and seeing her with the baby have been an incredible experience - one that i want to experience one day. this year will bring more of that as my friend kelly found out that she is pregnant. i cannot wait to see all of her changes and meet her little one. both woman are/are going to be just fantastic mothers.

...realized how hungry i was. sorry - not part of the actual post but i just realized i haven't had my dinner yet and should probably do that. don't worry though - i'll be posting more soon. i've been absent as of late but i joined the blog 365 (because i might be on crack...).....

so...i'll leave you with this wish......

I hope you have a FANTASTIC new year!

OMG GOD!

i fully admit to hating reality t.v. i also fully admit to being a hypocrite and loving America's Next Top Model. that being said.......

i was sad to see jenah go home. especially after being told by Miss 'OMG GOD!' that she wasn't the kind of person she would want her little sister looking up to! ouch! i agreed with jenah - you don't have to go forth spewing rainbows to be a positive person. people who do spew forth rainbows are good for about 5 minutes and then you want to throttle them.

anyhow - after jenah got sent home i left the room and only returned to see who one. i didn't really care since i wouldn't have picked either one (although i did like saleisha - anyone but chantal) but having invested myself in a whole season i felt i should at least see who had become America's. Next. Top. Model. (thank you Tyra - i would have forgot the name of the show had you not reminded me 8 million times)

so there ya go. my 2 cents worth. what are yours?

oh - and in other news. i'm not better yet. this morning i had a rough go of it and as a result my eyeballs feel like they are encrusted with salt :( but i'm working on it. in fact - chris is going to go workout with me right now. i want him to kick my ass. it needs to be kicked. hard.

Warning: I'm cranky

that's right. you've been warned. read at will.

i'm cranky.

i feel incompetent at my job. i feel incompetent at life.

my job is insanely easy. it requires no great amount of brain activity and yet i feel like a moron.

(i swear to god, joseph, mary, and josephine that i'm going to shake that man. the man sitting across the way operating the t.v. - that really should not be on. it's not coming in clearly. it's fuzzy. it's making loud fuzzy noises. turn it off. if you are that desperate to watch "judge moron" than please go home and do it becuase if you don't i'm going to scream. in your ear.)

it took me a long time to understand the concept of 'leave your problems at the door.' i'm not saying it's an excuse but depression can make that lesson harder to learn. but i'm doing good. i'm cranky as all get out at the moment but if someone comes to the desk i'll smile and be polite. it's my job. sometimes i falter - we all do. sometimes you vent to the wrong person. a person who means well but that doesn't understand that i'm venting. if i felt it were a big enough deal to bring to someone else's attention i would do so. ya know?

whatever - i'm over it - it happens. no harm done.

i understand that other people may be in the same place as me - having no clue what the fuck is going on. if you're in the position - tell me. level with me. we can both be in the same boat. but if you do know what's going on then act like it. and for heaven's sake pick up a freaking mirror and brush. when you deal with the public you should not look like you've just let 10 mice run rabid in your hair.

i'm cranky as well about non-work related things. i'm cranky that i've gained back all the weight i'd lost. my pants don't fit. i know what i have to do to fix it but i also have 8 million other things to do. but none of them seem important. finishing gifts, baking, unpacking and mailing cards seem trivial. people have bigger problems than me. people have lost loved ones. people are about to bring another human life into the world. and i'm sitting here crabbing on about not having enough brain power to balance gifts, cards, exercise, and an easy peasy job.

but then i just get even more crabby/down on yourself about feeling bad about that. guilty for feeling cranky about being down on yourself and on and on and on.

depression comes and goes. it will pass soon. i know. but in the meantime all i want to do is just go home and crawl under the covers and sleep until it does. becuase if i get any criticism - no matter how constructive (i've never handled it well), any cross eyed looks, anymore beyond-dumb questions i just might cry. or run away.

times like this i wish i were 2 and it was more acceptable for me to stomp my feet on the ground, throw my fists in the air and scream. unfortunately i'm 27.....

Friday

i don't have a real intent or purpose for blogging today. i just felt that an update was in order. i left on a rather low note and don't want the few people who read this to think that i've slumped off to wallow in my depression.....

i feel a LOT better.

the day after writing that blog was tough (i started to type 'tuff'. sigh....) i had another bout of crying. poor chris just sat patiently with me as i attempted to explain my situation (again). it helped me to verbalize what i was going through. i felt like i understood myself better afterwards. i can't say the same for chris - but i think he understood - not why i was crying - but that i was determined to not continue on that path.

since then i've felt good. i've gone back to curves.* i got back onto the treadmill. i started my sit-up routine. i started hula-hooping again. i can feel the difference already. not so much in the way my body looks but in the way i feel mentally. i have a sense of accomplishment that I want to keep up. it's hard to start the exercise again - my body is not used to it. but it will get easier and pretty soon it'll look forward to the routine. :)

so that is where i'm at. tonight i'll go to curves again. i'll do the whole treadmill/sit-up/hula-hooping bit. after that...well...i'm having a rather nerdy desire to go the Barnes and Noble Harry Potter Party. i don't have anyone to go with though. this hasn't stopped my mom who plans to go by herself :) perhaps i'll do the same. i did order the book and it's scheduled to arrive tomorrow but i want to start reading it tonight! :)

alright. back to work. and speaking of work that is another area that i'm going to be more positive about. i really shouldn't have complained about it so much. it was the depression speaking. although i don't have a lot to do i like my job. i like that have big chunks of time to enjoy a good book. or do research on the internet for a business i might want to start someday. so no more complaining. (maybe :))



*curves. i love curves. i think it's a great place to workout. i'm not a fan of the gyms. big burly men grunting and skinny girls all dolled up trying to pick up the grunting men. curves provides me with a safe place to work out. just women. usually older. all there for a common goal. i like it.

that said - since moving from duluth i have tried 3 different curves. the first was really nice. it was spacious and had a lot of machines that i hadn't used before. it was also pretty empty which was also nice. my problem was the owner. she was very nice but insisted on sitting in the center of the circle and chatting with me. that would have been fine (although chatting while working is not a favorite thing of mine) except that it was extremely awkward conversation. that combined with the location prompted me to try another curves.

this curves was located right next to a subway. no one wants to smell food while they're working out. ick. shortly after i started there though they moved to a new location - closer to me which was great. but the vibe was still the same - just kinda...ick. i didn't like being there. i didn't feel welcome. not only that but they didn't have very many machines. the new location was much larger but they didn't add any machines. it was annoying. but the final straw came this past wednesday when i went in and the lady working talked non-stop to the other woman there. all about her the birth of her grandchild (in way too much detail). and just on and on about a whole lot of stuff I didn't care to know - especially at the volume with which she chose to tell it! then she left to go get subway! what? you work in an exercise facility - you are extrememly overweight - and you're going to go get food to chow down in front of others? not only that but you're going to leave your place of employment while there are patrons there? i'm still debating sending a letter of complaint to the owner. i found it completely rude and highly highly annoying.

yesterday i went to the curves in woodbury. it is very much like the curves i left in duluth. warm. welcoming. friendly. i love it! and i look forward to going there tonight :)

sorry about the rant. now that it's off my chest i can let it go though.


p.s. Welcome to my blog Audrey :)

Acceptance

i have depression.

i hate saying that. it makes me feel ill. like i have a big lump of ickiness in my stomach and a lump in my throat. it makes me want to cry. it makes me want to sleep.

last year at the this time i was going through a rather difficult spell. in order to distract myself i started working out. a lot. i discovered that not only did i look better but I felt incredible! i thought i had finally kicked my depression out for good! i should have known better.

depression is a disease that cannot be cured. all the women in my family have suffered from it.

lately i've been feeling strange (see 'elevate' blog). i should have recognized the symptoms. kelly recognized them but even after she pointed it out i still didn't want to accept it.

i've been mad at the dumbest things lately. and not just mad - borderline tantrum throwing things (not anything hard or break-able...just clothes) mad. the kind of mad where you get so boiled up and frustrated that you fall to the floor in a crying heap.

for instance - this past saturday i wanted to get my eyebrows waxed. i hadn't done it since i moved and they looked awful. i felt ugly. so i took the coupon that had arrived in the mail and looked up the location of the Fantastic Sams. i drove out there - no Fantastic Sams. nowhere. i start to get pissed. i drive around some more. i get more pissed. i start to get mad at idiotic drivers in their minivans. i start to get pissed at the massive sprawl of townhomes and condos that seem to cover every square inch of woodbury. i get home and call fanstastic sams only to find that the number has been disconnected - it no longer exists! everything falls apart. i start crying. the apartments a mess - i want to clean it but i'm crying and pissed and there's not enough room to even put things away. i throw some clothes across the room. i'm still crying and pissed that there is not outlet for my frustration so i slam a few cupboard doors for sound effect. i realize that this whole situation is completely absurd but that doesn't seem to help at all. so i cry some more.

chris comes home to find me like this. this is the last thing that i want. i hate to have him see me when i get like this. i know how stressful and hard it is to deal with me when i'm like this. i've seen how it pushes people away. i try to explain to him that i'm sorry but i just end up crying more. it's not him. it's me. i don't know why i'm like this. he just looks at me and i feel so helpless. i want to explain to him that i'm happier than i've ever been in my life. i love him more than anything. i desperately want him to understand this but it's hard to explain to someone how happy you are when you're crying. eventually though i realized that this was my depression showing it's ugly head again. i hated to admit it but i did. we talked and sorted through it. he made me laugh. i felt better.

i accept that i have this disease. but i refuse to let it dominate my life. i've been down that road. it's awful. i know what i have to do to fix it but it's hard. exercise helps but depression zaps you of your energy. i find myself wanting to sleep all the time. i will manage though. i refuse - absolutely refuse to let this take me down.

i'm happy. i have the most incredible boyfriend and best friend i could have ever dreamed of. i have wonderful friends. i have a great family.

it's sort of strange to be blogging about this. it's all very personnal. people could be reading this that i do not know. people i'll never meet. but for some reason it helps to get it out. i've tried writing in a journal but i get frustrated. (typing is much faster). it also helps (i think) to read about other people's problems. maybe then you'll feel better about your own. or you'll realize that your not the only one who has crying fits and throws clothes. who knows. technology is a strange thing.

chris's mom asked about getting the link to my blog again this weekend. i guess i'm nervous that she'll think i'm a nutcase for posting these things. but she is pretty cool so maybe she wouldn't. i don't know. i still haven't decided if i'm a nutcase :)

i do feel better now than when i started. i was pretty cranky this morning - at stupid things (like slow computers and a pudgy stomach).

back to work.....

elevate

i haven't blogged in awhile.

i thought about not blogging ever again. i even attempted to keep a handwritten journal...that lasted all of an hour.

i've wanted to. but then again i haven't. this reasoning (or lack thereof) seems to be par for pretty much everything.

lack of energy. lack of ambition. too much over analyzation. feelings of failure. general outlook of blah blah blah blah blah blah......

at first i thought my depression was seeping back into my life. this terrified me. having suffered from depression pretty much all my life i know what a nasty, horrid, vicious cycle of a disease this can be. i know not only what it does to myself but what it does to those around me.....

it's not depression. i know enough about myself and the disease to know that. what is eating at me i have no idea.

i'm stuck inside my own head and cannot seem to find my way out.

to be honest - i've been sitting here for well over a half hour re-writing this blog. i write something and delete it. i write something and delete it. i write something and delete it. i don't know when this part of my anal retentiveness/ocd started exactly but the first time i really too notice was while i was writing my seminar paper my second super senior year of college. i would spend hours writing a intro and then the following paragraphs. it had to be perfect...perfect...duh...perfectionist! it's been in front my face this entire time and i've ignored it.....oy....

sorry...i'm thinking outloud..or...outype...

hm. perfectionism: a disposition to regard anything short of perfect as unacceptable.

what was i was getting at is that i would spend hours doing something - being unable to move forward until it was perfect. as a result my papers would have awesome beginnings. then they just teetered off into oblivion....

so seems to go my life - at least in my own mind.

although lately i've skipped the great big bang of a beginning and gone straight for the oblivion.

i haven't written because i'm disappointed with my inability to express things i feel. i over think something in my head until i think i've stumbled upon some great revelation. i attempt to write this out. it ends at about two sentences and I return to my post on the couch to watch more Law and Order re-runs.

perhaps it's the over thinking. for a while i was more than extremely pissed off about my job situation. about the institution of education. about lack of training. ask kari - she received a rant that probably should have been typed and tossed rather than sent. i blamed my job situation on it all. on the fact that i paid thousands of dollars to attend a school and receive a piece of paper. i've applied for job after job to be told that i do not have the experience necessary - when in fact i could do the job i currently have had i dropped out of school in the 5th grade. i was pissed.

the i became horribly annoyed with myself. ranting and raving like a loon about all of the above when i was actually pissed off with myself for not doing more to further my situation in life.

then i became annoyed about being annoyed with my situation in life. what was wrong with my situation. what right did i have to complain about any of it. sigh....

i have great friends yet i feel like i'm always coming up short in their eyes. i often times feel incredibly selfish yet am not sure how to fix it. to bring up with them whether or not i've been selfish seems to be selfish in and of itself which is strange i know but something i think about nonetheless.

i have an incredible boyfriend who i am terrified is going to find out what a ranting raving ball of loon i am and leave for something better.

i have a great family but haven't spoken to some of them in so long i'm not sure i remember how. or if i want to try.

i have a brain that as far as i can tell (most of the time) is in fine working order and capable of intelligent conversation and thought but is not being utilized. it sits - day after day at a job that uses about .5% of it to accomplish such tasks as hitting the word 'print' or writing an address. but mostly it gets used to play solitaire. it then gets to used to process such shows as Law and Order or more recently an obsession with Court T.V. (minus COPS - it refuses to even consider processing such filth).

i have a body in the prime of it's life. it was in shape for a few months but i let that go to pot. i've been attempting to change this but the farthest this gets is the signals reaching the brain only to be shooshed because they are processing an episode of Forensic Files.

i have goals. i have ambitions. unfortunately they seldom see the light of day. and when they do it is for a brief moment and then they die out - much like fireworks. BAM. fade......

my most recent episodes of 'BAM. fade...' include wanting to purchase a home. finding a home i've only dreamed about caused a massive rush of emotion and talks about mortgage and other such things related to buying a home. seeing a few snags such as 'wow - this requires a lot of thought and work' or 'wow - can't afford that one' i gave up. why bother.

i have another episode but seeing as how I'm still in my 'BAM' phase i'd rather not jinx it. not only am i a perfectionist but i'm also a bit superstitious.

that is all for the day. the beer that i've consumed while writing has made it's way through me and a visit to the restroom is in store.

i probably didn't need to write that. chris's mom once asked for the link to this blog. i haven't e-mailed it to her yet. she likes me. perhaps i'm frightened of what she'll think.....especially when i type random shit like the above...

anyhow. thanks for listening. i'm not through this yet but i have recognized some things that i hadn't before - perhaps i should start blogging again...hm.

in the words of the grandaddy's 'i just wanna elevate myself - get to where i find it really hard to hate myself.'