Oy....

so.....


i hope this doesn't turn into a complainy blog....that is not my intent. i just feel like i have a massive pit in my stomach. you know that kind of feeling where...how do you even describe it...like you're homesick, have a massive paper due tomorrow but haven't started it, sick, miserable, sad...all at once - pit. ugh.


i don't want to go to work tomorrow.


i've been looking for a new job. receptionist. something above receptionist. something history related. i even looked into going back to school for my masters and found not one of the programs is offered in mn. i've applied to at least 15 jobs - no one is hiring - and have not recieved one call for an interview. i'm at a loss....


any suggestions?

Exhale......

this has been my attitude as of late. well...not everything sucks - just the job. but when you spend the majority of your waking hours at that job it does start to seem like everything.

i'm very frustrated. i'm tired of feeling like this. i feel like there is no job out there that i'll be happy at. i seriously feel like i'd hate anything short of being a tour guide (can't find that job) or working in a yarn store or cute knick knack store (fun but pointless and no benefits or good pay). everything out there seems to have that big corporate cloud looming over it and i am so sick to death of corporate bullshit.

seriously - i'm sick to my stomach over it. the company i work for has no fucking clue about anything. since day one i've been responsible for answering questions about a company i don't even fucking work for! and let me tell you (in case you missed it) - i'm sick of it. i answer ZERO questions about the company i work for. ZERO. i hate it. and i can't really even answer the questions becuase i have yet to get an updated phone list from that other company. not that it matters - the customer service number for that company - i constantly get complaints about how they never answer their phones, return calls or plain just don't help! seriously!

and you know what - i no longer care. i've made it a well known fact that i'm looking for another job. i've made it a well known fact that i am not happy having a guard breathe down my neck all fucking day. does anyone notice? care? no - let's just keep on giving michelle mindless tasks! if i'd known i'd be doing shit like this i'd have dropped out of school in the 5th grade. christ!

ugh...sorry. EXHALE....michelle...EXHALE......

i've been looking for another job. i even got called for an interview but couldn't get it as they were only conducting the interviews 8am-5pm (i could make it there at 5) and i can't take time off. i was pretty sick awhile back and so used up those days. i also used up my doctor time as i went ahead and scheduled them all for one day. i also actually like my boss and didn't want to leave her hanging as she's been swamped as it is (not that having me gone would mean shit as there is a guard at my desk.....). so yeah - finding a job when you have one is damn near impossible. if it weren't for the fact that i actually like having a savings account i'd quite now.

the whole point of this darned blog was to point out that i was reading a Dolce's blog - she is going through something similar with her job. her friend gave her some good words of advice 'i'm way better than the stress i put myself under working here'. so true. so true.

so with that i'm attempting to exhale. attempting to relax and rejoice in the fact that i have a three day weekend. enjoy the fact that i have the worlds greatest fiance, a great family, terrific friends, wonderful in-laws to be (who all still manage to like me despite the crap i spew out in this blog and language i use in doing so...)

exhale.......

yet another rant....

that whole theory of natural selection is completely bogus. technology and lawsuits have prevented nature from taking it's course. instead of dying off stupid people are breading en masse - creating more stupid people.


don't believe me? sit with me at my job for a day. sit with kari at her job for a day. stupid people are everywhere and something really needs to be done about it before i completely lose my mind. i've never had much patience and now i'm bordering on having none. hiding that look of disgust is getting harder and harder with each passing day.

oh. dear. god.

i haven't blogged for awhile. i meant to do the blog 365 - i really did. but then one missed blog turned into 3. by the time i got around to back blogging i forgot what i'd even done. i couldn't even come up with any bullshit. ah well - it's just blogging. it's sort of a strange thing when you think about it i guess.....


so, where shall i begin. i'm sure you're all just dying to hear about all the exciting going-ons in my life, aren't you? how about we start with today. it was great. and by great i mean boring, dull and thoroughly embarrassing....


today i went to work. i don't even want to complain about it anymore (but that won't stop me i'm sure...). i've said i like my co-workers (i feel the need to emphasize this...). i think it's me. i start to come up on that year mark and panic. well - not panic. but something - not sure what. i'm scared that one day i'll wake up years from now and realize that for the past however many years i've gotten up and done the same thing every day. sat in the same chair for 8 hours every day. accomplished nothing.


i came home from work yesterday and felt nothing. it wasn't depressing. it wasn't annoying. it was nothing. i felt void. i felt like nothing. luckily i came home feeling like this to see chris. i love him so much! together we make that nothing a something. it makes me feel whole. it makes me smile and giggle.


the one thing that is slightly depressing is not having a damned clue what i do want to do. i used to feel a passion for history. i wanted to preserve it. i wanted to share it with others. i lost that somewhere along the way. perhaps it's the perfectionist in me. i realized one day how so many people were so much more accomplished than i was. they knew more. they did more. they had more motivation. more charm. and rather and try harder i gave up. i don't know what i want to be anymore. i don't want to keep chipping away at my soul anymore through corporate america though. it's eating me. i just cannot stand the fact that i sit in a chair and do nothing for 8 hours a day. i could be making things at home. exercising. learning how to cook. doing something....else...


you want to know my secret wish? i wish that being a receptionist was considered a good job. i wish that i were married. i wish that i were a stay at home mother. i wish my biggest problem was deciding what to make for dinner. i wish i could wear those cute dresses and vacuum in heels. i probably just made a lot of woman roll over in the graves but who cares. that's my (no longer) secret wish. think what you may.


i'll leave you with that. for now i'm going to go empty the dishwasher. then i'm going to tell chris about my night (which is what i mean to post but got sidetracked). perhaps i'll post more tomorrow. perhaps not. i think i'll leave the blog 365 tag just the same. the picture and statement kinda fit me....a lot.