after much debating i've decided to come back to this blog.
i've tried a few other blogs but i just can't come up with a better name than the one i've got here so....
i changed the layout a bit (used to be black) so some of the previous posts may be hard to see becuase i'd made the text white or yellow. when i have time i'll change them but for now if you're that interested in them you'll just have to do some highlighting :)
that's all for now. must get back to work - being a receptionist is pretty demanding!
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Still Here!
just wanted to let ya'll know that i'm still here and still tickin' - i've been really busy though so i'll try and post something soon :)
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
just sniff my area.....
not that area ya perves (vija - i'm talking directly to you!).....*
i woke up to find this outside - it was beautiful!
unfortunately i had to go to work in it. i'd much rather have stayed home and had a snow day with chris. but alas i had to go to work. birthday cards needed to be written out. orders needed to be crocheted.....
i woke up to find this outside - it was beautiful!
unfortunately i had to go to work in it. i'd much rather have stayed home and had a snow day with chris. but alas i had to go to work. birthday cards needed to be written out. orders needed to be crocheted.....
i've been rather absent from the blogging world. i mean to blog every night. i've actually had things to blog about (well - not big things. not exciting things. just things). exciting quotes to pass along - like 'it just doesn't feel like holy week' (perhaps you had to be there....). and now that i finally find myself sitting down to blog i realize it's a quarter to midnight and that i should really be brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed. the teeth need to be brushed. i made the mistake of buying a bag of bubblegum eggs and have managed to go through most of the bag. not a really great idea for a poor person with bad teeth.....
so......
and of course my mind goes blank. of course!
i should go to bed. i promise to return soon. in the meantime here are things i might blog about in the near future - things to look forward to. things like trips to the vet's. my job (i know you're dying to hear me complain some more, right?). friends. my amazing boyfriend. oh - and my completely awesome playlist. check it out. the songs rock. a lot.
*the other day (yesterday to be exact) i smelled urine. it was disgusting. chris brought me lunch at work. we sat down to eat with darrah and vija. i smelled urine. it was so strong i could hardly eat. i didn't want to say anything at first. then vija noticed me sniffing around and looked at me like i was crazy so i explained which only continued to get me crazy looks as i was the only one who could smell it. it wasn't me. i don't know. i moved to a new table and tried to convince vija to sniff my area (as in the area i'd been sitting in). she did and didn't smell it. hmph. i've heard of people smelling burnt hair before a stroke - maybe i had a mini stroke and smelled urine. this is pointless. i'm going to bed......
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
oh. dear. god.
i haven't blogged for awhile. i meant to do the blog 365 - i really did. but then one missed blog turned into 3. by the time i got around to back blogging i forgot what i'd even done. i couldn't even come up with any bullshit. ah well - it's just blogging. it's sort of a strange thing when you think about it i guess.....
so, where shall i begin. i'm sure you're all just dying to hear about all the exciting going-ons in my life, aren't you? how about we start with today. it was great. and by great i mean boring, dull and thoroughly embarrassing....
today i went to work. i don't even want to complain about it anymore (but that won't stop me i'm sure...). i've said i like my co-workers (i feel the need to emphasize this...). i think it's me. i start to come up on that year mark and panic. well - not panic. but something - not sure what. i'm scared that one day i'll wake up years from now and realize that for the past however many years i've gotten up and done the same thing every day. sat in the same chair for 8 hours every day. accomplished nothing.
i came home from work yesterday and felt nothing. it wasn't depressing. it wasn't annoying. it was nothing. i felt void. i felt like nothing. luckily i came home feeling like this to see chris. i love him so much! together we make that nothing a something. it makes me feel whole. it makes me smile and giggle.
the one thing that is slightly depressing is not having a damned clue what i do want to do. i used to feel a passion for history. i wanted to preserve it. i wanted to share it with others. i lost that somewhere along the way. perhaps it's the perfectionist in me. i realized one day how so many people were so much more accomplished than i was. they knew more. they did more. they had more motivation. more charm. and rather and try harder i gave up. i don't know what i want to be anymore. i don't want to keep chipping away at my soul anymore through corporate america though. it's eating me. i just cannot stand the fact that i sit in a chair and do nothing for 8 hours a day. i could be making things at home. exercising. learning how to cook. doing something....else...
you want to know my secret wish? i wish that being a receptionist was considered a good job. i wish that i were married. i wish that i were a stay at home mother. i wish my biggest problem was deciding what to make for dinner. i wish i could wear those cute dresses and vacuum in heels. i probably just made a lot of woman roll over in the graves but who cares. that's my (no longer) secret wish. think what you may.
i'll leave you with that. for now i'm going to go empty the dishwasher. then i'm going to tell chris about my night (which is what i mean to post but got sidetracked). perhaps i'll post more tomorrow. perhaps not. i think i'll leave the blog 365 tag just the same. the picture and statement kinda fit me....a lot.
so, where shall i begin. i'm sure you're all just dying to hear about all the exciting going-ons in my life, aren't you? how about we start with today. it was great. and by great i mean boring, dull and thoroughly embarrassing....
today i went to work. i don't even want to complain about it anymore (but that won't stop me i'm sure...). i've said i like my co-workers (i feel the need to emphasize this...). i think it's me. i start to come up on that year mark and panic. well - not panic. but something - not sure what. i'm scared that one day i'll wake up years from now and realize that for the past however many years i've gotten up and done the same thing every day. sat in the same chair for 8 hours every day. accomplished nothing.
i came home from work yesterday and felt nothing. it wasn't depressing. it wasn't annoying. it was nothing. i felt void. i felt like nothing. luckily i came home feeling like this to see chris. i love him so much! together we make that nothing a something. it makes me feel whole. it makes me smile and giggle.
the one thing that is slightly depressing is not having a damned clue what i do want to do. i used to feel a passion for history. i wanted to preserve it. i wanted to share it with others. i lost that somewhere along the way. perhaps it's the perfectionist in me. i realized one day how so many people were so much more accomplished than i was. they knew more. they did more. they had more motivation. more charm. and rather and try harder i gave up. i don't know what i want to be anymore. i don't want to keep chipping away at my soul anymore through corporate america though. it's eating me. i just cannot stand the fact that i sit in a chair and do nothing for 8 hours a day. i could be making things at home. exercising. learning how to cook. doing something....else...
you want to know my secret wish? i wish that being a receptionist was considered a good job. i wish that i were married. i wish that i were a stay at home mother. i wish my biggest problem was deciding what to make for dinner. i wish i could wear those cute dresses and vacuum in heels. i probably just made a lot of woman roll over in the graves but who cares. that's my (no longer) secret wish. think what you may.
i'll leave you with that. for now i'm going to go empty the dishwasher. then i'm going to tell chris about my night (which is what i mean to post but got sidetracked). perhaps i'll post more tomorrow. perhaps not. i think i'll leave the blog 365 tag just the same. the picture and statement kinda fit me....a lot.
Friday, February 1, 2008
do not touch me. ever.
meet minerva. the world's most un-cuddley cat. ever.
sure she's cute. she'll even pretend that she likes you. she'll meow and meow like she's absolutely starving for some attention - until you go to pet her and the above happens. she's never bitten or scratched anyone but wow can she growl. deep guttural growls of rage. she hates being touched - especially near her head. she'll tolerate petting on her back - and once in a blue moon she'll like it. but don't try and pick her up. she braces her paws against your chest and pulls her head back like your the the most disgusting thing to ever come into her line of vision. sigh.....
sure she's cute. she'll even pretend that she likes you. she'll meow and meow like she's absolutely starving for some attention - until you go to pet her and the above happens. she's never bitten or scratched anyone but wow can she growl. deep guttural growls of rage. she hates being touched - especially near her head. she'll tolerate petting on her back - and once in a blue moon she'll like it. but don't try and pick her up. she braces her paws against your chest and pulls her head back like your the the most disgusting thing to ever come into her line of vision. sigh.....
in other news.....
today is february 1st. i made it through an entire month of blog 365 without a snag. in fact - i posted 48 times! something tells me i shouldn't brag about this fact as it probably just helps clarify the fact that i have no life.
today is also the day i'm supposed to get my measurements done. and to celebrate this joyous occasion kristin is coming over to eat pizza and drink with me. perhaps i should do the measurements first.......
oh - one more note in the 'cheeseball' story. when he didn't show up my supervisor and i drafted an e-mail explaining that we would like to set up a new time...etc etc. she (my supervisor) made a passing comment in jest about the way things are going 'over there' and that they probably let him go on monday morning. well....turns out they did. oops! who knows what is going to happen now....
alright. kristin should be here any minute. she wanted to watch 'willow' but it's on vhs and our vcr doesn't work. that and i was traumatized as a child when i was taken to see it in the theater. my dad (or mom - can't remember) had to come and pick me up becuase i started crying and was so scared when they sent that baby down the river in the leaf basket. i thought he would die. funny how i got scared at that but not when my babysitter took me to see the gremlins (might have been becuase she put my sun jacket over my head. then there was that time when i saw 'teen wolf' in the theater. i ducked down behind the seats whenever he started to transform. i'm getting sidetracked...but while on the subject - what movies scared you as a child?
one more thing - any of you sprint users out there? i just got that new phone and for some reason it picks up my phone calls without my ever touching/answering the phone. it doesn't even ring. i'll just be sitting there and all the sudden the white noise of the speaker phone comes on. the outer screen says it's a call - but no ring - just picks up the call. i can hear the other person breathing (while they wait for an answer i guess) but they can't hear me unless i pick it up and open it. very strange......
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
cats out....
love this picture
saw this picture on this blog - check it out. i'll post more political stuff tomorrow. i meant to tonight and forgot. and dammit - it's way past 10 - must get to bed........
Saturday, January 26, 2008
just in cases......
chris i should be in duluth as i type this. but....we are the king and queen of late starts. well...i suppose if left to his own devices chris would always be on time. me on the other hand? i'm hard to get up in the mornings.....
anyhow. as i write this we still have yet to shower, wrap, pack, and get out the door. perhaps i should be working on one of those instead of blog blog blogging (as chris calls anything i do on the computer).
later gators.....
anyhow. as i write this we still have yet to shower, wrap, pack, and get out the door. perhaps i should be working on one of those instead of blog blog blogging (as chris calls anything i do on the computer).
later gators.....
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
you found me...how??
i got this idea here....
how did people manage to come across my blog? (the answers may suprise you...)
((evidently typing in these key words and phrases will land you here - at the perfectionist receptionist :)))
- "wrinkley eyelids" (great....)
- "dentist crowns"
- "i'm getting blurred vision"
- "worst receptionist of 2007" (really?? me?? thanks! i'd like to thank the following for making this honor possible....)
- "im going to throw up then im going to die" (pleasent..)
- "january 2008 dentist crowns complete profile"
- "blurred vision driving contacts"
how did people find you?
-
Monday, December 10, 2007
Making a List...
i've been rather absent from the blogging world it seems.....
we've been getting situated in the new place and getting ready for Christmas. i have a ton of pictures to post but haven't gotten around to uploading them yet. who knows when it will happen...
i've already determined that gifts (at least some of them) are going to be late. i had high hopes of crocheting/knitting something for everyone but that quickly fell apart. i had counted on all that free time at work and then BAM - they gave me stuff to do! who knew?! then the moving took away more than a week of my cozy nights sitting on working so.....yeah.... but i'm not getting stressed. this is my absolute favorite time of the year and if they gifts are late - they're late. if people get mad
(which i'm sure they won't) then that's too bad.
i also need to make time for baking - i LOVE to bake this time of year :) i already have a list a mile long of all the ingredients i'll need :)
tonight chris and i went shopping. we finally sat down this past weekend and made a list of everyone we're buying for and what we're buying them. and for the most part we got it all done which makes me happy. that and going out and buying buying buying always makes me happy - which isn't great i guess - but oh well :) we found some really cute stuff so i'm excited :)
and now that it's almost bedtime i'm off to have some dinner :)
oh - christmas cards will be going out soon! if you think i don't have your address (and just to be safe - assume i don't) e-mail it to me! and if you want to send me one (:)) e-mail me as well :)
hmmmm..think that's it for now :)
hope ya'll are doing just peachy!
p.s. i hate the spacing on this. it just mushed everything i typed into one lump and won't fix it. argh.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Argh (to infinity)
so you may have noticed (or not) that i didn't post yesterday - screwing up the whole NaBloPoMo thing.....
it wasn't a bad day or a hectic day. i sat down at the end of it to blog and tried getting this one little picture i had taken to show up in one of the programs i have to crop and photoshop it etc....
the program would show it in the 'to be imported' section. i would click 'import'. the picture would NOT show up - anywhere. it was driving me up the wall. i may have over reacted. okay i did. hard to believe i know. but when you spend over x amount on a fancy computer and it won't do something as simple as import a photograph it really starts to piss me off. luckily chris was around (although i'm sure he would rather have been elsewhere) and the computer did not go sailing out the window.
instead we went to bed. i woke up and deleted said program from computer. i reinstalled it afresh and low and behold it still will not recognize that dinky picture.
i am not a technologized person and therefore dealing with it sometimes causes my blood pressure to rise...a lot. although i have no idea where i got this temper of mine ((cough...dad...cough))......
sigh......
it wasn't a bad day or a hectic day. i sat down at the end of it to blog and tried getting this one little picture i had taken to show up in one of the programs i have to crop and photoshop it etc....
the program would show it in the 'to be imported' section. i would click 'import'. the picture would NOT show up - anywhere. it was driving me up the wall. i may have over reacted. okay i did. hard to believe i know. but when you spend over x amount on a fancy computer and it won't do something as simple as import a photograph it really starts to piss me off. luckily chris was around (although i'm sure he would rather have been elsewhere) and the computer did not go sailing out the window.
instead we went to bed. i woke up and deleted said program from computer. i reinstalled it afresh and low and behold it still will not recognize that dinky picture.
i am not a technologized person and therefore dealing with it sometimes causes my blood pressure to rise...a lot. although i have no idea where i got this temper of mine ((cough...dad...cough))......
sigh......
Friday, November 16, 2007
Basket Case...
oops - i meant basket WEAVE! (but when it comes to all this yarn and crocheting/knitting i think i am becoming a baseket case...sigh...)
i decided to knit - and learned some new pattern stitches. the basket weave (shown above and below - it will eventually turn into a scarf for my dad). the sugar cube. the mesh. and the seed.
it's fun until you drop some stitches but i'm learning how to fix those so all is going well so far :)
oh - and i converted two "non-bloggers" into bloggers today :) so - welcome Vija and Mia - you're gonna love it!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Thursday: The Day To Blog
or so it seems.
this will be my 3rd blog in under 3 hours.
the cavity will be fixed next wednesday at 2pm! i found a very friendly family dentist located right down the street from my place of residence and the costs wasn't as bad as i thought it would be! so things are looking bright on that horizon :)
the only blotch on that horizon are the hours that dentist keep! 8am to 4:30pm M-Th - what about those who really cannot afford to take time off? Ah well. I can't go on chewing on my right side forever!
what else is new since the last time i posted - 20 minutes ago? my stomach pains are worse but unfortunately the girl with the medicine cabinet is on vacation :( you'd think i'd remember to bring my own supply - but that would make sense - a concept i'm not familier with.
back to the book. or perhaps i'll read some new blogs - something i've been meaning to do but haven't gotten around to.
this will be my 3rd blog in under 3 hours.
the cavity will be fixed next wednesday at 2pm! i found a very friendly family dentist located right down the street from my place of residence and the costs wasn't as bad as i thought it would be! so things are looking bright on that horizon :)
the only blotch on that horizon are the hours that dentist keep! 8am to 4:30pm M-Th - what about those who really cannot afford to take time off? Ah well. I can't go on chewing on my right side forever!
what else is new since the last time i posted - 20 minutes ago? my stomach pains are worse but unfortunately the girl with the medicine cabinet is on vacation :( you'd think i'd remember to bring my own supply - but that would make sense - a concept i'm not familier with.
back to the book. or perhaps i'll read some new blogs - something i've been meaning to do but haven't gotten around to.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Could it be.......?
for some reason the gods have decided to smile upon me and let me post a blog! praise the lord and pass the ammunition!
it all started a few weeks ago. or was it a few ago. i'm not quite sure.....
when i started my job i had one computer (with two lovely screens). this computer belonged to the department upstairs* on the 3rd floor. that department was formerly in charge of my current position. that computer was wonderful. it was speedy. it was sleek. and most importantly - it had unrestricted internet access! then the department that is currently in charge of my position decided that i needed one of their computers. in came this dirty cream ancient peice of equipment - complete with leftover sticky globs from the last poor soul who used it. no parts of the computer matched. (i'm positive that they found them in some dark corner of the basement). not only was this computer unpleasent to look at it - it lacked speed. it also forbid me to check my e-mail and so forth. but as luck would have it - no one from upstairs came to claim the nice computer! so - although my desk was cramped with 3 monitors i was content.
then - a few weeks ago - the time came when the people upstairs ventured down to claim their property. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. one of my co-workers introduced me to crocheting and i love it! (not only that but i'm allowed to do it at work! - my boss's words - 'gotta do something to keep yourself from going insane') so i passed the time by reading and crocheting and other such things that one would normally not associate with having a job.....
a few days after this chris's computer died. we brought over my semi-new computer that had just been collecting dust at kristin's. it didn't work! we finally figured out it all out and got it running but the internet is SO FUCKING SLOW that it's not even worth your time to try using it. checking e-mail is a chore. and if by some miracle it lets me check - it won't let me respond. myspace is a fading memory. facebook has been nice but i never really use that account. blogging - again - not worth the time.
so - i've been going through a bit of internet withdrawl. but it appears as though i'm back (to the blogging world at least!)
i'm glad it (the computer) finally let me have access to the blogging world. i'm in that 'inbetween books stage'. i just finished Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi (litterally about 20 minutes ago) and am still thinking and digesting it (i'm not one to offer critics really. i'll either recommend the work or not. this is definitely one that i would recommend) i have another book to start but i'm just not ready yet.
chris and i leave for vacation in 4 days (not counting today). we've never taken a trip together and i'm excited to get away with him. to show him places from my childhood. to introduce him to family and friends. and of course - the zoo. for some reason i'm extremely excited to spend the day with him at the zoo. call me a dork :)
alright. i have more to say but it will have to wait. right now i'm ready to start the next book - The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood.
*this whole upstairs thing seems to confuse people. i had yet another person ask me if the 3rd floor was upstairs! really? how did you manage to get out of bed and even find your way here.....
it all started a few weeks ago. or was it a few ago. i'm not quite sure.....
when i started my job i had one computer (with two lovely screens). this computer belonged to the department upstairs* on the 3rd floor. that department was formerly in charge of my current position. that computer was wonderful. it was speedy. it was sleek. and most importantly - it had unrestricted internet access! then the department that is currently in charge of my position decided that i needed one of their computers. in came this dirty cream ancient peice of equipment - complete with leftover sticky globs from the last poor soul who used it. no parts of the computer matched. (i'm positive that they found them in some dark corner of the basement). not only was this computer unpleasent to look at it - it lacked speed. it also forbid me to check my e-mail and so forth. but as luck would have it - no one from upstairs came to claim the nice computer! so - although my desk was cramped with 3 monitors i was content.
then - a few weeks ago - the time came when the people upstairs ventured down to claim their property. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. one of my co-workers introduced me to crocheting and i love it! (not only that but i'm allowed to do it at work! - my boss's words - 'gotta do something to keep yourself from going insane') so i passed the time by reading and crocheting and other such things that one would normally not associate with having a job.....
a few days after this chris's computer died. we brought over my semi-new computer that had just been collecting dust at kristin's. it didn't work! we finally figured out it all out and got it running but the internet is SO FUCKING SLOW that it's not even worth your time to try using it. checking e-mail is a chore. and if by some miracle it lets me check - it won't let me respond. myspace is a fading memory. facebook has been nice but i never really use that account. blogging - again - not worth the time.
so - i've been going through a bit of internet withdrawl. but it appears as though i'm back (to the blogging world at least!)
i'm glad it (the computer) finally let me have access to the blogging world. i'm in that 'inbetween books stage'. i just finished Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi (litterally about 20 minutes ago) and am still thinking and digesting it (i'm not one to offer critics really. i'll either recommend the work or not. this is definitely one that i would recommend) i have another book to start but i'm just not ready yet.
chris and i leave for vacation in 4 days (not counting today). we've never taken a trip together and i'm excited to get away with him. to show him places from my childhood. to introduce him to family and friends. and of course - the zoo. for some reason i'm extremely excited to spend the day with him at the zoo. call me a dork :)
alright. i have more to say but it will have to wait. right now i'm ready to start the next book - The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood.
*this whole upstairs thing seems to confuse people. i had yet another person ask me if the 3rd floor was upstairs! really? how did you manage to get out of bed and even find your way here.....
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Acceptance
i have depression.
i hate saying that. it makes me feel ill. like i have a big lump of ickiness in my stomach and a lump in my throat. it makes me want to cry. it makes me want to sleep.
last year at the this time i was going through a rather difficult spell. in order to distract myself i started working out. a lot. i discovered that not only did i look better but I felt incredible! i thought i had finally kicked my depression out for good! i should have known better.
depression is a disease that cannot be cured. all the women in my family have suffered from it.
lately i've been feeling strange (see 'elevate' blog). i should have recognized the symptoms. kelly recognized them but even after she pointed it out i still didn't want to accept it.
i've been mad at the dumbest things lately. and not just mad - borderline tantrum throwing things (not anything hard or break-able...just clothes) mad. the kind of mad where you get so boiled up and frustrated that you fall to the floor in a crying heap.
for instance - this past saturday i wanted to get my eyebrows waxed. i hadn't done it since i moved and they looked awful. i felt ugly. so i took the coupon that had arrived in the mail and looked up the location of the Fantastic Sams. i drove out there - no Fantastic Sams. nowhere. i start to get pissed. i drive around some more. i get more pissed. i start to get mad at idiotic drivers in their minivans. i start to get pissed at the massive sprawl of townhomes and condos that seem to cover every square inch of woodbury. i get home and call fanstastic sams only to find that the number has been disconnected - it no longer exists! everything falls apart. i start crying. the apartments a mess - i want to clean it but i'm crying and pissed and there's not enough room to even put things away. i throw some clothes across the room. i'm still crying and pissed that there is not outlet for my frustration so i slam a few cupboard doors for sound effect. i realize that this whole situation is completely absurd but that doesn't seem to help at all. so i cry some more.
chris comes home to find me like this. this is the last thing that i want. i hate to have him see me when i get like this. i know how stressful and hard it is to deal with me when i'm like this. i've seen how it pushes people away. i try to explain to him that i'm sorry but i just end up crying more. it's not him. it's me. i don't know why i'm like this. he just looks at me and i feel so helpless. i want to explain to him that i'm happier than i've ever been in my life. i love him more than anything. i desperately want him to understand this but it's hard to explain to someone how happy you are when you're crying. eventually though i realized that this was my depression showing it's ugly head again. i hated to admit it but i did. we talked and sorted through it. he made me laugh. i felt better.
i accept that i have this disease. but i refuse to let it dominate my life. i've been down that road. it's awful. i know what i have to do to fix it but it's hard. exercise helps but depression zaps you of your energy. i find myself wanting to sleep all the time. i will manage though. i refuse - absolutely refuse to let this take me down.
i'm happy. i have the most incredible boyfriend and best friend i could have ever dreamed of. i have wonderful friends. i have a great family.
it's sort of strange to be blogging about this. it's all very personnal. people could be reading this that i do not know. people i'll never meet. but for some reason it helps to get it out. i've tried writing in a journal but i get frustrated. (typing is much faster). it also helps (i think) to read about other people's problems. maybe then you'll feel better about your own. or you'll realize that your not the only one who has crying fits and throws clothes. who knows. technology is a strange thing.
chris's mom asked about getting the link to my blog again this weekend. i guess i'm nervous that she'll think i'm a nutcase for posting these things. but she is pretty cool so maybe she wouldn't. i don't know. i still haven't decided if i'm a nutcase :)
i do feel better now than when i started. i was pretty cranky this morning - at stupid things (like slow computers and a pudgy stomach).
back to work.....
i hate saying that. it makes me feel ill. like i have a big lump of ickiness in my stomach and a lump in my throat. it makes me want to cry. it makes me want to sleep.
last year at the this time i was going through a rather difficult spell. in order to distract myself i started working out. a lot. i discovered that not only did i look better but I felt incredible! i thought i had finally kicked my depression out for good! i should have known better.
depression is a disease that cannot be cured. all the women in my family have suffered from it.
lately i've been feeling strange (see 'elevate' blog). i should have recognized the symptoms. kelly recognized them but even after she pointed it out i still didn't want to accept it.
i've been mad at the dumbest things lately. and not just mad - borderline tantrum throwing things (not anything hard or break-able...just clothes) mad. the kind of mad where you get so boiled up and frustrated that you fall to the floor in a crying heap.
for instance - this past saturday i wanted to get my eyebrows waxed. i hadn't done it since i moved and they looked awful. i felt ugly. so i took the coupon that had arrived in the mail and looked up the location of the Fantastic Sams. i drove out there - no Fantastic Sams. nowhere. i start to get pissed. i drive around some more. i get more pissed. i start to get mad at idiotic drivers in their minivans. i start to get pissed at the massive sprawl of townhomes and condos that seem to cover every square inch of woodbury. i get home and call fanstastic sams only to find that the number has been disconnected - it no longer exists! everything falls apart. i start crying. the apartments a mess - i want to clean it but i'm crying and pissed and there's not enough room to even put things away. i throw some clothes across the room. i'm still crying and pissed that there is not outlet for my frustration so i slam a few cupboard doors for sound effect. i realize that this whole situation is completely absurd but that doesn't seem to help at all. so i cry some more.
chris comes home to find me like this. this is the last thing that i want. i hate to have him see me when i get like this. i know how stressful and hard it is to deal with me when i'm like this. i've seen how it pushes people away. i try to explain to him that i'm sorry but i just end up crying more. it's not him. it's me. i don't know why i'm like this. he just looks at me and i feel so helpless. i want to explain to him that i'm happier than i've ever been in my life. i love him more than anything. i desperately want him to understand this but it's hard to explain to someone how happy you are when you're crying. eventually though i realized that this was my depression showing it's ugly head again. i hated to admit it but i did. we talked and sorted through it. he made me laugh. i felt better.
i accept that i have this disease. but i refuse to let it dominate my life. i've been down that road. it's awful. i know what i have to do to fix it but it's hard. exercise helps but depression zaps you of your energy. i find myself wanting to sleep all the time. i will manage though. i refuse - absolutely refuse to let this take me down.
i'm happy. i have the most incredible boyfriend and best friend i could have ever dreamed of. i have wonderful friends. i have a great family.
it's sort of strange to be blogging about this. it's all very personnal. people could be reading this that i do not know. people i'll never meet. but for some reason it helps to get it out. i've tried writing in a journal but i get frustrated. (typing is much faster). it also helps (i think) to read about other people's problems. maybe then you'll feel better about your own. or you'll realize that your not the only one who has crying fits and throws clothes. who knows. technology is a strange thing.
chris's mom asked about getting the link to my blog again this weekend. i guess i'm nervous that she'll think i'm a nutcase for posting these things. but she is pretty cool so maybe she wouldn't. i don't know. i still haven't decided if i'm a nutcase :)
i do feel better now than when i started. i was pretty cranky this morning - at stupid things (like slow computers and a pudgy stomach).
back to work.....
Sunday, July 8, 2007
elevate
i haven't blogged in awhile.
i thought about not blogging ever again. i even attempted to keep a handwritten journal...that lasted all of an hour.
i've wanted to. but then again i haven't. this reasoning (or lack thereof) seems to be par for pretty much everything.
lack of energy. lack of ambition. too much over analyzation. feelings of failure. general outlook of blah blah blah blah blah blah......
at first i thought my depression was seeping back into my life. this terrified me. having suffered from depression pretty much all my life i know what a nasty, horrid, vicious cycle of a disease this can be. i know not only what it does to myself but what it does to those around me.....
it's not depression. i know enough about myself and the disease to know that. what is eating at me i have no idea.
i'm stuck inside my own head and cannot seem to find my way out.
to be honest - i've been sitting here for well over a half hour re-writing this blog. i write something and delete it. i write something and delete it. i write something and delete it. i don't know when this part of my anal retentiveness/ocd started exactly but the first time i really too notice was while i was writing my seminar paper my second super senior year of college. i would spend hours writing a intro and then the following paragraphs. it had to be perfect...perfect...duh...perfectionist! it's been in front my face this entire time and i've ignored it.....oy....
sorry...i'm thinking outloud..or...outype...
hm. perfectionism: a disposition to regard anything short of perfect as unacceptable.
what was i was getting at is that i would spend hours doing something - being unable to move forward until it was perfect. as a result my papers would have awesome beginnings. then they just teetered off into oblivion....
so seems to go my life - at least in my own mind.
although lately i've skipped the great big bang of a beginning and gone straight for the oblivion.
i haven't written because i'm disappointed with my inability to express things i feel. i over think something in my head until i think i've stumbled upon some great revelation. i attempt to write this out. it ends at about two sentences and I return to my post on the couch to watch more Law and Order re-runs.
perhaps it's the over thinking. for a while i was more than extremely pissed off about my job situation. about the institution of education. about lack of training. ask kari - she received a rant that probably should have been typed and tossed rather than sent. i blamed my job situation on it all. on the fact that i paid thousands of dollars to attend a school and receive a piece of paper. i've applied for job after job to be told that i do not have the experience necessary - when in fact i could do the job i currently have had i dropped out of school in the 5th grade. i was pissed.
the i became horribly annoyed with myself. ranting and raving like a loon about all of the above when i was actually pissed off with myself for not doing more to further my situation in life.
then i became annoyed about being annoyed with my situation in life. what was wrong with my situation. what right did i have to complain about any of it. sigh....
i have great friends yet i feel like i'm always coming up short in their eyes. i often times feel incredibly selfish yet am not sure how to fix it. to bring up with them whether or not i've been selfish seems to be selfish in and of itself which is strange i know but something i think about nonetheless.
i have an incredible boyfriend who i am terrified is going to find out what a ranting raving ball of loon i am and leave for something better.
i have a great family but haven't spoken to some of them in so long i'm not sure i remember how. or if i want to try.
i have a brain that as far as i can tell (most of the time) is in fine working order and capable of intelligent conversation and thought but is not being utilized. it sits - day after day at a job that uses about .5% of it to accomplish such tasks as hitting the word 'print' or writing an address. but mostly it gets used to play solitaire. it then gets to used to process such shows as Law and Order or more recently an obsession with Court T.V. (minus COPS - it refuses to even consider processing such filth).
i have a body in the prime of it's life. it was in shape for a few months but i let that go to pot. i've been attempting to change this but the farthest this gets is the signals reaching the brain only to be shooshed because they are processing an episode of Forensic Files.
i have goals. i have ambitions. unfortunately they seldom see the light of day. and when they do it is for a brief moment and then they die out - much like fireworks. BAM. fade......
my most recent episodes of 'BAM. fade...' include wanting to purchase a home. finding a home i've only dreamed about caused a massive rush of emotion and talks about mortgage and other such things related to buying a home. seeing a few snags such as 'wow - this requires a lot of thought and work' or 'wow - can't afford that one' i gave up. why bother.
i have another episode but seeing as how I'm still in my 'BAM' phase i'd rather not jinx it. not only am i a perfectionist but i'm also a bit superstitious.
that is all for the day. the beer that i've consumed while writing has made it's way through me and a visit to the restroom is in store.
i probably didn't need to write that. chris's mom once asked for the link to this blog. i haven't e-mailed it to her yet. she likes me. perhaps i'm frightened of what she'll think.....especially when i type random shit like the above...
anyhow. thanks for listening. i'm not through this yet but i have recognized some things that i hadn't before - perhaps i should start blogging again...hm.
in the words of the grandaddy's 'i just wanna elevate myself - get to where i find it really hard to hate myself.'
i thought about not blogging ever again. i even attempted to keep a handwritten journal...that lasted all of an hour.
i've wanted to. but then again i haven't. this reasoning (or lack thereof) seems to be par for pretty much everything.
lack of energy. lack of ambition. too much over analyzation. feelings of failure. general outlook of blah blah blah blah blah blah......
at first i thought my depression was seeping back into my life. this terrified me. having suffered from depression pretty much all my life i know what a nasty, horrid, vicious cycle of a disease this can be. i know not only what it does to myself but what it does to those around me.....
it's not depression. i know enough about myself and the disease to know that. what is eating at me i have no idea.
i'm stuck inside my own head and cannot seem to find my way out.
to be honest - i've been sitting here for well over a half hour re-writing this blog. i write something and delete it. i write something and delete it. i write something and delete it. i don't know when this part of my anal retentiveness/ocd started exactly but the first time i really too notice was while i was writing my seminar paper my second super senior year of college. i would spend hours writing a intro and then the following paragraphs. it had to be perfect...perfect...duh...perfectionist! it's been in front my face this entire time and i've ignored it.....oy....
sorry...i'm thinking outloud..or...outype...
hm. perfectionism: a disposition to regard anything short of perfect as unacceptable.
what was i was getting at is that i would spend hours doing something - being unable to move forward until it was perfect. as a result my papers would have awesome beginnings. then they just teetered off into oblivion....
so seems to go my life - at least in my own mind.
although lately i've skipped the great big bang of a beginning and gone straight for the oblivion.
i haven't written because i'm disappointed with my inability to express things i feel. i over think something in my head until i think i've stumbled upon some great revelation. i attempt to write this out. it ends at about two sentences and I return to my post on the couch to watch more Law and Order re-runs.
perhaps it's the over thinking. for a while i was more than extremely pissed off about my job situation. about the institution of education. about lack of training. ask kari - she received a rant that probably should have been typed and tossed rather than sent. i blamed my job situation on it all. on the fact that i paid thousands of dollars to attend a school and receive a piece of paper. i've applied for job after job to be told that i do not have the experience necessary - when in fact i could do the job i currently have had i dropped out of school in the 5th grade. i was pissed.
the i became horribly annoyed with myself. ranting and raving like a loon about all of the above when i was actually pissed off with myself for not doing more to further my situation in life.
then i became annoyed about being annoyed with my situation in life. what was wrong with my situation. what right did i have to complain about any of it. sigh....
i have great friends yet i feel like i'm always coming up short in their eyes. i often times feel incredibly selfish yet am not sure how to fix it. to bring up with them whether or not i've been selfish seems to be selfish in and of itself which is strange i know but something i think about nonetheless.
i have an incredible boyfriend who i am terrified is going to find out what a ranting raving ball of loon i am and leave for something better.
i have a great family but haven't spoken to some of them in so long i'm not sure i remember how. or if i want to try.
i have a brain that as far as i can tell (most of the time) is in fine working order and capable of intelligent conversation and thought but is not being utilized. it sits - day after day at a job that uses about .5% of it to accomplish such tasks as hitting the word 'print' or writing an address. but mostly it gets used to play solitaire. it then gets to used to process such shows as Law and Order or more recently an obsession with Court T.V. (minus COPS - it refuses to even consider processing such filth).
i have a body in the prime of it's life. it was in shape for a few months but i let that go to pot. i've been attempting to change this but the farthest this gets is the signals reaching the brain only to be shooshed because they are processing an episode of Forensic Files.
i have goals. i have ambitions. unfortunately they seldom see the light of day. and when they do it is for a brief moment and then they die out - much like fireworks. BAM. fade......
my most recent episodes of 'BAM. fade...' include wanting to purchase a home. finding a home i've only dreamed about caused a massive rush of emotion and talks about mortgage and other such things related to buying a home. seeing a few snags such as 'wow - this requires a lot of thought and work' or 'wow - can't afford that one' i gave up. why bother.
i have another episode but seeing as how I'm still in my 'BAM' phase i'd rather not jinx it. not only am i a perfectionist but i'm also a bit superstitious.
that is all for the day. the beer that i've consumed while writing has made it's way through me and a visit to the restroom is in store.
i probably didn't need to write that. chris's mom once asked for the link to this blog. i haven't e-mailed it to her yet. she likes me. perhaps i'm frightened of what she'll think.....especially when i type random shit like the above...
anyhow. thanks for listening. i'm not through this yet but i have recognized some things that i hadn't before - perhaps i should start blogging again...hm.
in the words of the grandaddy's 'i just wanna elevate myself - get to where i find it really hard to hate myself.'
Thursday, March 8, 2007
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