elevate

i haven't blogged in awhile.

i thought about not blogging ever again. i even attempted to keep a handwritten journal...that lasted all of an hour.

i've wanted to. but then again i haven't. this reasoning (or lack thereof) seems to be par for pretty much everything.

lack of energy. lack of ambition. too much over analyzation. feelings of failure. general outlook of blah blah blah blah blah blah......

at first i thought my depression was seeping back into my life. this terrified me. having suffered from depression pretty much all my life i know what a nasty, horrid, vicious cycle of a disease this can be. i know not only what it does to myself but what it does to those around me.....

it's not depression. i know enough about myself and the disease to know that. what is eating at me i have no idea.

i'm stuck inside my own head and cannot seem to find my way out.

to be honest - i've been sitting here for well over a half hour re-writing this blog. i write something and delete it. i write something and delete it. i write something and delete it. i don't know when this part of my anal retentiveness/ocd started exactly but the first time i really too notice was while i was writing my seminar paper my second super senior year of college. i would spend hours writing a intro and then the following paragraphs. it had to be perfect...perfect...duh...perfectionist! it's been in front my face this entire time and i've ignored it.....oy....

sorry...i'm thinking outloud..or...outype...

hm. perfectionism: a disposition to regard anything short of perfect as unacceptable.

what was i was getting at is that i would spend hours doing something - being unable to move forward until it was perfect. as a result my papers would have awesome beginnings. then they just teetered off into oblivion....

so seems to go my life - at least in my own mind.

although lately i've skipped the great big bang of a beginning and gone straight for the oblivion.

i haven't written because i'm disappointed with my inability to express things i feel. i over think something in my head until i think i've stumbled upon some great revelation. i attempt to write this out. it ends at about two sentences and I return to my post on the couch to watch more Law and Order re-runs.

perhaps it's the over thinking. for a while i was more than extremely pissed off about my job situation. about the institution of education. about lack of training. ask kari - she received a rant that probably should have been typed and tossed rather than sent. i blamed my job situation on it all. on the fact that i paid thousands of dollars to attend a school and receive a piece of paper. i've applied for job after job to be told that i do not have the experience necessary - when in fact i could do the job i currently have had i dropped out of school in the 5th grade. i was pissed.

the i became horribly annoyed with myself. ranting and raving like a loon about all of the above when i was actually pissed off with myself for not doing more to further my situation in life.

then i became annoyed about being annoyed with my situation in life. what was wrong with my situation. what right did i have to complain about any of it. sigh....

i have great friends yet i feel like i'm always coming up short in their eyes. i often times feel incredibly selfish yet am not sure how to fix it. to bring up with them whether or not i've been selfish seems to be selfish in and of itself which is strange i know but something i think about nonetheless.

i have an incredible boyfriend who i am terrified is going to find out what a ranting raving ball of loon i am and leave for something better.

i have a great family but haven't spoken to some of them in so long i'm not sure i remember how. or if i want to try.

i have a brain that as far as i can tell (most of the time) is in fine working order and capable of intelligent conversation and thought but is not being utilized. it sits - day after day at a job that uses about .5% of it to accomplish such tasks as hitting the word 'print' or writing an address. but mostly it gets used to play solitaire. it then gets to used to process such shows as Law and Order or more recently an obsession with Court T.V. (minus COPS - it refuses to even consider processing such filth).

i have a body in the prime of it's life. it was in shape for a few months but i let that go to pot. i've been attempting to change this but the farthest this gets is the signals reaching the brain only to be shooshed because they are processing an episode of Forensic Files.

i have goals. i have ambitions. unfortunately they seldom see the light of day. and when they do it is for a brief moment and then they die out - much like fireworks. BAM. fade......

my most recent episodes of 'BAM. fade...' include wanting to purchase a home. finding a home i've only dreamed about caused a massive rush of emotion and talks about mortgage and other such things related to buying a home. seeing a few snags such as 'wow - this requires a lot of thought and work' or 'wow - can't afford that one' i gave up. why bother.

i have another episode but seeing as how I'm still in my 'BAM' phase i'd rather not jinx it. not only am i a perfectionist but i'm also a bit superstitious.

that is all for the day. the beer that i've consumed while writing has made it's way through me and a visit to the restroom is in store.

i probably didn't need to write that. chris's mom once asked for the link to this blog. i haven't e-mailed it to her yet. she likes me. perhaps i'm frightened of what she'll think.....especially when i type random shit like the above...

anyhow. thanks for listening. i'm not through this yet but i have recognized some things that i hadn't before - perhaps i should start blogging again...hm.

in the words of the grandaddy's 'i just wanna elevate myself - get to where i find it really hard to hate myself.'