Tuesday, July 17, 2007


i have depression.

i hate saying that. it makes me feel ill. like i have a big lump of ickiness in my stomach and a lump in my throat. it makes me want to cry. it makes me want to sleep.

last year at the this time i was going through a rather difficult spell. in order to distract myself i started working out. a lot. i discovered that not only did i look better but I felt incredible! i thought i had finally kicked my depression out for good! i should have known better.

depression is a disease that cannot be cured. all the women in my family have suffered from it.

lately i've been feeling strange (see 'elevate' blog). i should have recognized the symptoms. kelly recognized them but even after she pointed it out i still didn't want to accept it.

i've been mad at the dumbest things lately. and not just mad - borderline tantrum throwing things (not anything hard or break-able...just clothes) mad. the kind of mad where you get so boiled up and frustrated that you fall to the floor in a crying heap.

for instance - this past saturday i wanted to get my eyebrows waxed. i hadn't done it since i moved and they looked awful. i felt ugly. so i took the coupon that had arrived in the mail and looked up the location of the Fantastic Sams. i drove out there - no Fantastic Sams. nowhere. i start to get pissed. i drive around some more. i get more pissed. i start to get mad at idiotic drivers in their minivans. i start to get pissed at the massive sprawl of townhomes and condos that seem to cover every square inch of woodbury. i get home and call fanstastic sams only to find that the number has been disconnected - it no longer exists! everything falls apart. i start crying. the apartments a mess - i want to clean it but i'm crying and pissed and there's not enough room to even put things away. i throw some clothes across the room. i'm still crying and pissed that there is not outlet for my frustration so i slam a few cupboard doors for sound effect. i realize that this whole situation is completely absurd but that doesn't seem to help at all. so i cry some more.

chris comes home to find me like this. this is the last thing that i want. i hate to have him see me when i get like this. i know how stressful and hard it is to deal with me when i'm like this. i've seen how it pushes people away. i try to explain to him that i'm sorry but i just end up crying more. it's not him. it's me. i don't know why i'm like this. he just looks at me and i feel so helpless. i want to explain to him that i'm happier than i've ever been in my life. i love him more than anything. i desperately want him to understand this but it's hard to explain to someone how happy you are when you're crying. eventually though i realized that this was my depression showing it's ugly head again. i hated to admit it but i did. we talked and sorted through it. he made me laugh. i felt better.

i accept that i have this disease. but i refuse to let it dominate my life. i've been down that road. it's awful. i know what i have to do to fix it but it's hard. exercise helps but depression zaps you of your energy. i find myself wanting to sleep all the time. i will manage though. i refuse - absolutely refuse to let this take me down.

i'm happy. i have the most incredible boyfriend and best friend i could have ever dreamed of. i have wonderful friends. i have a great family.

it's sort of strange to be blogging about this. it's all very personnal. people could be reading this that i do not know. people i'll never meet. but for some reason it helps to get it out. i've tried writing in a journal but i get frustrated. (typing is much faster). it also helps (i think) to read about other people's problems. maybe then you'll feel better about your own. or you'll realize that your not the only one who has crying fits and throws clothes. who knows. technology is a strange thing.

chris's mom asked about getting the link to my blog again this weekend. i guess i'm nervous that she'll think i'm a nutcase for posting these things. but she is pretty cool so maybe she wouldn't. i don't know. i still haven't decided if i'm a nutcase :)

i do feel better now than when i started. i was pretty cranky this morning - at stupid things (like slow computers and a pudgy stomach).

back to work.....


carrster said...

Oh Michelle, if I were there I would give you a big hug right now. I do not suffer from depression like you do but I do have my "moments" (see all of June and the first week and a half of July). It is awful and you feel out of control and one *bad* thing leads to another (at least in your mind!) and yes, the throwing of things seems like it should help but it doesn't. *sigh* I'm glad that you're able to talk with Chris and I think you should keep on that path. Communication is good - even when it's hard. At least you can recognize when you're hitting a slump and fight to keep it at bay. You have a lot of people who love & support you and only want you to feel better and be happy. I know that doesn't necessarily help, but maybe sometime when you're low you can remember how many people care about you and that'll make you feel better, at least for a moment or two.


Molly said...

Michelle, a big hug from me as well. I'm glad Kelly was able to help you out in seeing what was going on... I, too, come from a family of depression, and just this past winter, I went through a pretty scary bout of it. I ended up crying through my annual doctor's exam (I went in because I had this anxiety breathing thing), which was horrifying, and then they found a lump... long story short, therapy, and whatnot, all good. It's not something you can beat as much as learn to live with, I think. Adapt, not let it get to you, etc. Know that you have a stronger, wider network then you probably realize. I'm glad to have met you through Kelly, and I'm sending you big hugs from an hour away... and I'll see you soon enough to give you one in person. Keep being strong and know that it's OK when you're not. I'm so glad Chris is accepting; a good partner always is. :)

KeLL said...

I give you so much credit for admiting that its back. Now you can work on controlling it again. It's hard and exhausting and frustrating, but I know you can do it. I've seen you do it. Its a constant battle we're going to have to fight our whole lives. But you aren't alone. You have a great support system of friends and family that will ALWAYS be here if you need to talk or cry. You'll get through it. I know you will
And you are braver than you think. I would never be able to write about my depression on my blog. I'm very proud of you. You are much stronger than I could ever be.
Don't worry about Chris's mom. You'll find everyone has a bit of nuttines to them. I'm always terrified when I have to explain the row of scars on my arms. People have their own demons. If they realize this, they won't judge you.