Warning: I'm cranky

that's right. you've been warned. read at will.

i'm cranky.

i feel incompetent at my job. i feel incompetent at life.

my job is insanely easy. it requires no great amount of brain activity and yet i feel like a moron.

(i swear to god, joseph, mary, and josephine that i'm going to shake that man. the man sitting across the way operating the t.v. - that really should not be on. it's not coming in clearly. it's fuzzy. it's making loud fuzzy noises. turn it off. if you are that desperate to watch "judge moron" than please go home and do it becuase if you don't i'm going to scream. in your ear.)

it took me a long time to understand the concept of 'leave your problems at the door.' i'm not saying it's an excuse but depression can make that lesson harder to learn. but i'm doing good. i'm cranky as all get out at the moment but if someone comes to the desk i'll smile and be polite. it's my job. sometimes i falter - we all do. sometimes you vent to the wrong person. a person who means well but that doesn't understand that i'm venting. if i felt it were a big enough deal to bring to someone else's attention i would do so. ya know?

whatever - i'm over it - it happens. no harm done.

i understand that other people may be in the same place as me - having no clue what the fuck is going on. if you're in the position - tell me. level with me. we can both be in the same boat. but if you do know what's going on then act like it. and for heaven's sake pick up a freaking mirror and brush. when you deal with the public you should not look like you've just let 10 mice run rabid in your hair.

i'm cranky as well about non-work related things. i'm cranky that i've gained back all the weight i'd lost. my pants don't fit. i know what i have to do to fix it but i also have 8 million other things to do. but none of them seem important. finishing gifts, baking, unpacking and mailing cards seem trivial. people have bigger problems than me. people have lost loved ones. people are about to bring another human life into the world. and i'm sitting here crabbing on about not having enough brain power to balance gifts, cards, exercise, and an easy peasy job.

but then i just get even more crabby/down on yourself about feeling bad about that. guilty for feeling cranky about being down on yourself and on and on and on.

depression comes and goes. it will pass soon. i know. but in the meantime all i want to do is just go home and crawl under the covers and sleep until it does. becuase if i get any criticism - no matter how constructive (i've never handled it well), any cross eyed looks, anymore beyond-dumb questions i just might cry. or run away.

times like this i wish i were 2 and it was more acceptable for me to stomp my feet on the ground, throw my fists in the air and scream. unfortunately i'm 27.....