Who's a Fire Fighter?

Chris is!
(sorry - the intro from the previous blog just stuck...)

After all the training and hard work it became official last night - and I got to pin his badge on! Unfortunately my camera died right after he got on stage and so I have no pictures of the pinning :( But I did manage to take one out in the parking lot afterwards with my camera phone :)

Congrats Chris! I'm so proud of you! :)

Who's a Geek?

I'm a Geek!

Sorry - I know I said no more Potter Posts - but someone brought in HP cupcakes today w/character rings on top! How could I resist? And yes - I do have TWO Ron rings - what can I say...

"Weasley is MY King"

I Believe...

YAY!

and with that i promise not to post about potter for awhile. maybe. :)

Potter Party Pictures!

Kell Bell and I

I wanted this shirt!
(the front said 'Weasley is our King!)

Costume Contest
These were the winners.

Love the View!
This woman decided to stand herself right in front of me so I could have a nice view of her ass. How kind!

Blow Fishes!
After wondering around for a long time we decided to plunk ourselves down. This was rather dull so we entertained ourselves :)

What?

Ummm...
We are both supposed to be cross-eyed but Kelly goofed. As a result I look deranged and she looks high.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
that's all I got

"Performance"
These girls decided to show everyone a skit they created. It was...uh...well...interesting. sort of. i guess. but not really.

The Reaction
This is how Kell Bell and I felt about the "performance"

I Believe...
Although I'm only on Chapter 9! I may be proven wrong. I hope not though. I love Alan Rickman! I can't believe I'm only on Chapter 9! I was sick yesterday though which took away valuable reading time. sniff.

Back Support
Kelly and I just happened to plunk ourselves down in front of The Sex Bible. She had a silver wrist band which allowed her to get her copy first - I took this picture to keep her company in line..and to entertain myself. While I was waiting for her to return a group of girls (dressed as Death Eaters - but somehow I don't remember Death Eaters wearing ripped up garbage bags...) clamoured around me and started to giggle over the book shown above. One of many comments I heard..."Ewww! I would never do that! Would you??" they also picked up some copies but no one could be dared into actually opening it. I found it all hysterical myself :))

Oh the Excitement!
Kelly - as I mentioned - was the first to receive her copy and free poster. I was jealous.

Waiting...and Wating...
When will they call the PURPLE wristbands!?

The Line
finally at around 12:40 a.m. or so they called for the Purple's :)

At Last!
Oh the Excitement!

Ready to head home!
We were up WAY past our bedtimes :)

A fun time was had by all :)
Thanks for going with me Kelly!

And with that I leave you with one of the more memorable quotes heard during the night (by a girl returning to her group of friends after she struck-out in the Harry Potter Spelling Bee)

"YOUR MOM EATS SHOES!"

Potter Party!

HARRY POTTER PARTY!

that's right - i'm going one step further in my Potter Nerdiness - i'm attending the Harry Potter Party at Borders (or Barnes and Nobles - whichever is best)!

i hadn't planned on going. my mom mentioned that she was thinking about going - alone :) . then mia mentioned that she was going. then i got the urge to go. granted i already ordered my book and it's scheduled to arrive in the mail tomorrow - but when i get an urge i want it fulfilled NOW. i didn't have anyone to go with though - that is until Kelly said she would :)

so in about an hour or thereabouts i'm off to the Potter Party with KellBell :) It should be a nerdy night and i'm very much looking forward to it. i'm also looking forward to a completely uninterrupted day of reading tomorrow!

as for the book i ordered - i'll just return it :) that is if i can even get a book tonight...guess i'll have to see :)

tata!

Friday

i don't have a real intent or purpose for blogging today. i just felt that an update was in order. i left on a rather low note and don't want the few people who read this to think that i've slumped off to wallow in my depression.....

i feel a LOT better.

the day after writing that blog was tough (i started to type 'tuff'. sigh....) i had another bout of crying. poor chris just sat patiently with me as i attempted to explain my situation (again). it helped me to verbalize what i was going through. i felt like i understood myself better afterwards. i can't say the same for chris - but i think he understood - not why i was crying - but that i was determined to not continue on that path.

since then i've felt good. i've gone back to curves.* i got back onto the treadmill. i started my sit-up routine. i started hula-hooping again. i can feel the difference already. not so much in the way my body looks but in the way i feel mentally. i have a sense of accomplishment that I want to keep up. it's hard to start the exercise again - my body is not used to it. but it will get easier and pretty soon it'll look forward to the routine. :)

so that is where i'm at. tonight i'll go to curves again. i'll do the whole treadmill/sit-up/hula-hooping bit. after that...well...i'm having a rather nerdy desire to go the Barnes and Noble Harry Potter Party. i don't have anyone to go with though. this hasn't stopped my mom who plans to go by herself :) perhaps i'll do the same. i did order the book and it's scheduled to arrive tomorrow but i want to start reading it tonight! :)

alright. back to work. and speaking of work that is another area that i'm going to be more positive about. i really shouldn't have complained about it so much. it was the depression speaking. although i don't have a lot to do i like my job. i like that have big chunks of time to enjoy a good book. or do research on the internet for a business i might want to start someday. so no more complaining. (maybe :))



*curves. i love curves. i think it's a great place to workout. i'm not a fan of the gyms. big burly men grunting and skinny girls all dolled up trying to pick up the grunting men. curves provides me with a safe place to work out. just women. usually older. all there for a common goal. i like it.

that said - since moving from duluth i have tried 3 different curves. the first was really nice. it was spacious and had a lot of machines that i hadn't used before. it was also pretty empty which was also nice. my problem was the owner. she was very nice but insisted on sitting in the center of the circle and chatting with me. that would have been fine (although chatting while working is not a favorite thing of mine) except that it was extremely awkward conversation. that combined with the location prompted me to try another curves.

this curves was located right next to a subway. no one wants to smell food while they're working out. ick. shortly after i started there though they moved to a new location - closer to me which was great. but the vibe was still the same - just kinda...ick. i didn't like being there. i didn't feel welcome. not only that but they didn't have very many machines. the new location was much larger but they didn't add any machines. it was annoying. but the final straw came this past wednesday when i went in and the lady working talked non-stop to the other woman there. all about her the birth of her grandchild (in way too much detail). and just on and on about a whole lot of stuff I didn't care to know - especially at the volume with which she chose to tell it! then she left to go get subway! what? you work in an exercise facility - you are extrememly overweight - and you're going to go get food to chow down in front of others? not only that but you're going to leave your place of employment while there are patrons there? i'm still debating sending a letter of complaint to the owner. i found it completely rude and highly highly annoying.

yesterday i went to the curves in woodbury. it is very much like the curves i left in duluth. warm. welcoming. friendly. i love it! and i look forward to going there tonight :)

sorry about the rant. now that it's off my chest i can let it go though.


p.s. Welcome to my blog Audrey :)

Acceptance

i have depression.

i hate saying that. it makes me feel ill. like i have a big lump of ickiness in my stomach and a lump in my throat. it makes me want to cry. it makes me want to sleep.

last year at the this time i was going through a rather difficult spell. in order to distract myself i started working out. a lot. i discovered that not only did i look better but I felt incredible! i thought i had finally kicked my depression out for good! i should have known better.

depression is a disease that cannot be cured. all the women in my family have suffered from it.

lately i've been feeling strange (see 'elevate' blog). i should have recognized the symptoms. kelly recognized them but even after she pointed it out i still didn't want to accept it.

i've been mad at the dumbest things lately. and not just mad - borderline tantrum throwing things (not anything hard or break-able...just clothes) mad. the kind of mad where you get so boiled up and frustrated that you fall to the floor in a crying heap.

for instance - this past saturday i wanted to get my eyebrows waxed. i hadn't done it since i moved and they looked awful. i felt ugly. so i took the coupon that had arrived in the mail and looked up the location of the Fantastic Sams. i drove out there - no Fantastic Sams. nowhere. i start to get pissed. i drive around some more. i get more pissed. i start to get mad at idiotic drivers in their minivans. i start to get pissed at the massive sprawl of townhomes and condos that seem to cover every square inch of woodbury. i get home and call fanstastic sams only to find that the number has been disconnected - it no longer exists! everything falls apart. i start crying. the apartments a mess - i want to clean it but i'm crying and pissed and there's not enough room to even put things away. i throw some clothes across the room. i'm still crying and pissed that there is not outlet for my frustration so i slam a few cupboard doors for sound effect. i realize that this whole situation is completely absurd but that doesn't seem to help at all. so i cry some more.

chris comes home to find me like this. this is the last thing that i want. i hate to have him see me when i get like this. i know how stressful and hard it is to deal with me when i'm like this. i've seen how it pushes people away. i try to explain to him that i'm sorry but i just end up crying more. it's not him. it's me. i don't know why i'm like this. he just looks at me and i feel so helpless. i want to explain to him that i'm happier than i've ever been in my life. i love him more than anything. i desperately want him to understand this but it's hard to explain to someone how happy you are when you're crying. eventually though i realized that this was my depression showing it's ugly head again. i hated to admit it but i did. we talked and sorted through it. he made me laugh. i felt better.

i accept that i have this disease. but i refuse to let it dominate my life. i've been down that road. it's awful. i know what i have to do to fix it but it's hard. exercise helps but depression zaps you of your energy. i find myself wanting to sleep all the time. i will manage though. i refuse - absolutely refuse to let this take me down.

i'm happy. i have the most incredible boyfriend and best friend i could have ever dreamed of. i have wonderful friends. i have a great family.

it's sort of strange to be blogging about this. it's all very personnal. people could be reading this that i do not know. people i'll never meet. but for some reason it helps to get it out. i've tried writing in a journal but i get frustrated. (typing is much faster). it also helps (i think) to read about other people's problems. maybe then you'll feel better about your own. or you'll realize that your not the only one who has crying fits and throws clothes. who knows. technology is a strange thing.

chris's mom asked about getting the link to my blog again this weekend. i guess i'm nervous that she'll think i'm a nutcase for posting these things. but she is pretty cool so maybe she wouldn't. i don't know. i still haven't decided if i'm a nutcase :)

i do feel better now than when i started. i was pretty cranky this morning - at stupid things (like slow computers and a pudgy stomach).

back to work.....

Potter Nerd

I am a Harry Potter Nerd.

I have my pre-ordered (of course!) tickets to the midnight showing of 'HP and the Order of the Phoenix.' :)

I along with my co-worker Mia, her friend Susan and my "roomie" Kristin are going. Kristin is actually on her way over with a Papa Murphy's Pizza to watch 'Goblet of Fire' - which she has not seen. (she also hasn't read the books - something I'm trying to change). I even purchased some snacks - yummy Violet Crumble for the chocolate likers - and HP gummies for Kristin to enjoy during the show :)

I'm rather suprised at how quickly my nerdiness came to be. I didn't want to buy into all the hype even though everyone including the Aunt who used to not let her children trick-or-treat because it was evil bought into it. I started out just seeing the first 3 movies. Then I finally gave in and read the books - which I loved! Now I'm off to my second midnight showing. Not only that but I've named both of my pets after HP characters - Albus and Minerva! Wow...

All in All it should be a good night! :)

And did I mention that I have a slight crush on Ron Weasley. I don't feel so bad saying that anymore seeing as how he's legal and all now. But saying the word 'legal' makes me feel rather pedophilish so....hmmm....

elevate

i haven't blogged in awhile.

i thought about not blogging ever again. i even attempted to keep a handwritten journal...that lasted all of an hour.

i've wanted to. but then again i haven't. this reasoning (or lack thereof) seems to be par for pretty much everything.

lack of energy. lack of ambition. too much over analyzation. feelings of failure. general outlook of blah blah blah blah blah blah......

at first i thought my depression was seeping back into my life. this terrified me. having suffered from depression pretty much all my life i know what a nasty, horrid, vicious cycle of a disease this can be. i know not only what it does to myself but what it does to those around me.....

it's not depression. i know enough about myself and the disease to know that. what is eating at me i have no idea.

i'm stuck inside my own head and cannot seem to find my way out.

to be honest - i've been sitting here for well over a half hour re-writing this blog. i write something and delete it. i write something and delete it. i write something and delete it. i don't know when this part of my anal retentiveness/ocd started exactly but the first time i really too notice was while i was writing my seminar paper my second super senior year of college. i would spend hours writing a intro and then the following paragraphs. it had to be perfect...perfect...duh...perfectionist! it's been in front my face this entire time and i've ignored it.....oy....

sorry...i'm thinking outloud..or...outype...

hm. perfectionism: a disposition to regard anything short of perfect as unacceptable.

what was i was getting at is that i would spend hours doing something - being unable to move forward until it was perfect. as a result my papers would have awesome beginnings. then they just teetered off into oblivion....

so seems to go my life - at least in my own mind.

although lately i've skipped the great big bang of a beginning and gone straight for the oblivion.

i haven't written because i'm disappointed with my inability to express things i feel. i over think something in my head until i think i've stumbled upon some great revelation. i attempt to write this out. it ends at about two sentences and I return to my post on the couch to watch more Law and Order re-runs.

perhaps it's the over thinking. for a while i was more than extremely pissed off about my job situation. about the institution of education. about lack of training. ask kari - she received a rant that probably should have been typed and tossed rather than sent. i blamed my job situation on it all. on the fact that i paid thousands of dollars to attend a school and receive a piece of paper. i've applied for job after job to be told that i do not have the experience necessary - when in fact i could do the job i currently have had i dropped out of school in the 5th grade. i was pissed.

the i became horribly annoyed with myself. ranting and raving like a loon about all of the above when i was actually pissed off with myself for not doing more to further my situation in life.

then i became annoyed about being annoyed with my situation in life. what was wrong with my situation. what right did i have to complain about any of it. sigh....

i have great friends yet i feel like i'm always coming up short in their eyes. i often times feel incredibly selfish yet am not sure how to fix it. to bring up with them whether or not i've been selfish seems to be selfish in and of itself which is strange i know but something i think about nonetheless.

i have an incredible boyfriend who i am terrified is going to find out what a ranting raving ball of loon i am and leave for something better.

i have a great family but haven't spoken to some of them in so long i'm not sure i remember how. or if i want to try.

i have a brain that as far as i can tell (most of the time) is in fine working order and capable of intelligent conversation and thought but is not being utilized. it sits - day after day at a job that uses about .5% of it to accomplish such tasks as hitting the word 'print' or writing an address. but mostly it gets used to play solitaire. it then gets to used to process such shows as Law and Order or more recently an obsession with Court T.V. (minus COPS - it refuses to even consider processing such filth).

i have a body in the prime of it's life. it was in shape for a few months but i let that go to pot. i've been attempting to change this but the farthest this gets is the signals reaching the brain only to be shooshed because they are processing an episode of Forensic Files.

i have goals. i have ambitions. unfortunately they seldom see the light of day. and when they do it is for a brief moment and then they die out - much like fireworks. BAM. fade......

my most recent episodes of 'BAM. fade...' include wanting to purchase a home. finding a home i've only dreamed about caused a massive rush of emotion and talks about mortgage and other such things related to buying a home. seeing a few snags such as 'wow - this requires a lot of thought and work' or 'wow - can't afford that one' i gave up. why bother.

i have another episode but seeing as how I'm still in my 'BAM' phase i'd rather not jinx it. not only am i a perfectionist but i'm also a bit superstitious.

that is all for the day. the beer that i've consumed while writing has made it's way through me and a visit to the restroom is in store.

i probably didn't need to write that. chris's mom once asked for the link to this blog. i haven't e-mailed it to her yet. she likes me. perhaps i'm frightened of what she'll think.....especially when i type random shit like the above...

anyhow. thanks for listening. i'm not through this yet but i have recognized some things that i hadn't before - perhaps i should start blogging again...hm.

in the words of the grandaddy's 'i just wanna elevate myself - get to where i find it really hard to hate myself.'