Tuesday, March 11, 2008

oh. dear. god.

i haven't blogged for awhile. i meant to do the blog 365 - i really did. but then one missed blog turned into 3. by the time i got around to back blogging i forgot what i'd even done. i couldn't even come up with any bullshit. ah well - it's just blogging. it's sort of a strange thing when you think about it i guess.....


so, where shall i begin. i'm sure you're all just dying to hear about all the exciting going-ons in my life, aren't you? how about we start with today. it was great. and by great i mean boring, dull and thoroughly embarrassing....


today i went to work. i don't even want to complain about it anymore (but that won't stop me i'm sure...). i've said i like my co-workers (i feel the need to emphasize this...). i think it's me. i start to come up on that year mark and panic. well - not panic. but something - not sure what. i'm scared that one day i'll wake up years from now and realize that for the past however many years i've gotten up and done the same thing every day. sat in the same chair for 8 hours every day. accomplished nothing.


i came home from work yesterday and felt nothing. it wasn't depressing. it wasn't annoying. it was nothing. i felt void. i felt like nothing. luckily i came home feeling like this to see chris. i love him so much! together we make that nothing a something. it makes me feel whole. it makes me smile and giggle.


the one thing that is slightly depressing is not having a damned clue what i do want to do. i used to feel a passion for history. i wanted to preserve it. i wanted to share it with others. i lost that somewhere along the way. perhaps it's the perfectionist in me. i realized one day how so many people were so much more accomplished than i was. they knew more. they did more. they had more motivation. more charm. and rather and try harder i gave up. i don't know what i want to be anymore. i don't want to keep chipping away at my soul anymore through corporate america though. it's eating me. i just cannot stand the fact that i sit in a chair and do nothing for 8 hours a day. i could be making things at home. exercising. learning how to cook. doing something....else...


you want to know my secret wish? i wish that being a receptionist was considered a good job. i wish that i were married. i wish that i were a stay at home mother. i wish my biggest problem was deciding what to make for dinner. i wish i could wear those cute dresses and vacuum in heels. i probably just made a lot of woman roll over in the graves but who cares. that's my (no longer) secret wish. think what you may.


i'll leave you with that. for now i'm going to go empty the dishwasher. then i'm going to tell chris about my night (which is what i mean to post but got sidetracked). perhaps i'll post more tomorrow. perhaps not. i think i'll leave the blog 365 tag just the same. the picture and statement kinda fit me....a lot.

6 comments:

KeLL said...

Wow. You want to be a stay at home mom and where cute dresses and cook? Wow.
I say good for you! I personally don't want that because I'd get incredibly bored. Plus I like having my own money.
I have a plan: Get pregnant, stay home, watch my kids (I'll pay you!). Then, at least, they would be with someone I trust.
Now, if only I could convince Molly to quit her job and solely teach my kids...

carrster said...

Well, all I can say is don't be too hard on yourself. I think it's very natural to feel this way - and to feel this way off and on throughout life. Even when you're "doing what you want to do" sometimes you realize it's not really want you *wanted* to do. I totally understand about having a passion and then losing it and feeling completely...well, lost. It's times like that that I try to re-invigorate myself and work on being grateful for everything that I have. Even when I'm not happy I know it could be a million times worse.

HUGS TO YOU!!!! I still think we should open our "Tea Spot" shoppe. ;)

michelle said...

kelly: i would love to get paid to watch your babies - sign me up! :)

carrie: i'm not really as down and out as i sound. blogging is just the way for me to get it off my chest. if we were in person you probably wouldn't even know i was thinking all that :) i am extremely grateful for what i've got (and of course for who introduced me to who i've got :))

i think we should still open up our 'Tea Spot' as well!

Molly said...

I know the stay-at-home mom feeling. I've had it too. I keep thinking I'd write more if I did, but I think working, teaching, actually keeps my brain reminded that I have bits of time and to use it wisely. I'm feeling unsatisfied with my life too--is this really all there is? Wouldn't I be able to do something bigger? I don't know. A professor? A published poet? A high school English teacher... I don't know.

Holly said...

Being a SAHM is a full time gig and nothing for you to feel like you need to keep secret. I bet there are a whole lot of working mom's who wish the same thing.

Do you want to be a nanny? We're in the market..... :) You could practice mommy duty with Claire :)

michelle said...

thanks for all your comments! :)

i'm feeling good. still have no idea what i want to do with my life but i'm good. perhaps someday my SAHM dream will come true..... :)

holly: i'd love to be a nanny for claire! :)